Timing
Courage. That's was another possible title to this post. Courage because it has taken me a lot of courage to return to my keyboard. Not only have we been busy, but the past 6 months have continued to be trying.
Don't get me wrong, I am doing my best to stay positive, but I really had my hopes up. We did three rounds of Clomid and trigger shots - January, February and March. I was really hoping that those medications were the only boost we needed to help us get pregnant. All three months resulted in more negative tests.
Each month, I go in for a follicle scan at the beginning of the month to make sure everything is clear. The Clomid can cause cysts, which I have a history of, so they have to make sure there aren't any before giving me a new dose. After I take the Clomid, I go in for a second scan about a week and a half later so they can check the follicles again - this tells them the timing of ovulation. Obviously timing is very important in this process.
In April, I called to go in for my scan and found out that they don't do scans on Friday. I was going to be out of town the whole next week, so they couldn't give me medicine without an initial scan. I was super bummed to miss a month of "trying". Obviously we could still try, but I was discouraged to not have the help of the medication.
In May, we talked to the doctor about doing our first IUI. IUI (intrauterine insemination) is done in my OBGYNs office. We still take the Clomid and trigger shot, but then go into the office at the time of ovulation for insemination. I was clear to start the next round of Clomid and the trigger shot, but the date of ovulation fell over Memorial Day weekend, so no IUI. The nurse was so sweet and encouraged us to keep trying, it didn't have to be a missed month, but it sure felt like it to us.
We also dealt with some insurance issues this month. It is so frustrating that things can be so difficult, especially when something is very time sensitive. We actually had insurance issues for some of Dan's tests (kidney related) as well as my own. I only have about a week between when I get the prescription for my trigger shot and when I need to take it. Insurance held this up until the very last day possible (and then didn't even cover any costs of it!). The stress from that didn't help, either.
Time is also hard to watch pass by. Sometimes one of my ways of dealing with things is by looking ahead. For example, when one of my best friends got pregnant, I told myself I'd probably be pregnant before her baby came. This only makes things more difficult when it comes to those times and we still aren't pregnant. We are approaching some of those things that are like constant reminders. A family vacation we didn't plan to go on in hopes that I'd be pregnant. A milestone 30th birthday for Dan and holidays that we say every year, hopefully we will have a baby for this next year. Times that stab us with a painful reminder that we are still in the midst of this struggle.
We are so ready to move forward, but obviously timing has to be perfect. I am heading back for my next scan tomorrow and pray that my body is clear for another month of Clomid and trigger shot. We pray that our timing works out to try our first IUI this month.
Please continue to pray for us and with us. We are doing our best to be open about this because we believe in the power of prayer, but it has been really difficult. Pray for our spirits to stay up, especially mine as I feel myself becoming bitter and so easily frustrated by others (I partially blame all of the extra hormones I'm on ;).
We have learned that timing is everything in this process of trying to conceive, and we trust in God's timing, but it doesn't always make the waiting easier.
Don't get me wrong, I am doing my best to stay positive, but I really had my hopes up. We did three rounds of Clomid and trigger shots - January, February and March. I was really hoping that those medications were the only boost we needed to help us get pregnant. All three months resulted in more negative tests.
Each month, I go in for a follicle scan at the beginning of the month to make sure everything is clear. The Clomid can cause cysts, which I have a history of, so they have to make sure there aren't any before giving me a new dose. After I take the Clomid, I go in for a second scan about a week and a half later so they can check the follicles again - this tells them the timing of ovulation. Obviously timing is very important in this process.
In April, I called to go in for my scan and found out that they don't do scans on Friday. I was going to be out of town the whole next week, so they couldn't give me medicine without an initial scan. I was super bummed to miss a month of "trying". Obviously we could still try, but I was discouraged to not have the help of the medication.
In May, we talked to the doctor about doing our first IUI. IUI (intrauterine insemination) is done in my OBGYNs office. We still take the Clomid and trigger shot, but then go into the office at the time of ovulation for insemination. I was clear to start the next round of Clomid and the trigger shot, but the date of ovulation fell over Memorial Day weekend, so no IUI. The nurse was so sweet and encouraged us to keep trying, it didn't have to be a missed month, but it sure felt like it to us.
We also dealt with some insurance issues this month. It is so frustrating that things can be so difficult, especially when something is very time sensitive. We actually had insurance issues for some of Dan's tests (kidney related) as well as my own. I only have about a week between when I get the prescription for my trigger shot and when I need to take it. Insurance held this up until the very last day possible (and then didn't even cover any costs of it!). The stress from that didn't help, either.
Time is also hard to watch pass by. Sometimes one of my ways of dealing with things is by looking ahead. For example, when one of my best friends got pregnant, I told myself I'd probably be pregnant before her baby came. This only makes things more difficult when it comes to those times and we still aren't pregnant. We are approaching some of those things that are like constant reminders. A family vacation we didn't plan to go on in hopes that I'd be pregnant. A milestone 30th birthday for Dan and holidays that we say every year, hopefully we will have a baby for this next year. Times that stab us with a painful reminder that we are still in the midst of this struggle.
We are so ready to move forward, but obviously timing has to be perfect. I am heading back for my next scan tomorrow and pray that my body is clear for another month of Clomid and trigger shot. We pray that our timing works out to try our first IUI this month.
Please continue to pray for us and with us. We are doing our best to be open about this because we believe in the power of prayer, but it has been really difficult. Pray for our spirits to stay up, especially mine as I feel myself becoming bitter and so easily frustrated by others (I partially blame all of the extra hormones I'm on ;).
We have learned that timing is everything in this process of trying to conceive, and we trust in God's timing, but it doesn't always make the waiting easier.
Oh Dan and Darcy, my heart absolutely goes out to you. I have been keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and watching for updates. I know it isn't the same thing, but we went through this for many years. We did the charts, trigger shots, IUI's, IVF's, scans, pokes, tests, more tests. Every month it was a wave of emotions. Especially for her. I am still hoping and praying that a trigger shot or an IUI will work for you and you can get pregnant. But regardless, if you EVER need anyone to talk to about this, or if Dan does, I'm here, for whatever that's worth. We do have Will now, and he's 9 years old. but the feelings associated with the trying and all of the emotions that go with it haven't left - they are still fresh. You're on my mind and in my prayers. I can tell you all the right things and remind you about God's promises, but in the midst of it, there is anger and pain. And that's normal. And I believe that's okay. Wrestle with God about it. Dig into His word. Cry out to Him. He is there. He hears your cries. I truly believe that. Even when it feels like He's doesn't. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Brian. We appreciate your kind words, and it definitely feels like only people who have been through it can understand.
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